FibroMYalgia

For the past three years or so (and probably unofficially much longer than that), I have been dealing with fibromyalgia. I know that some say that this is a “fake” diagnosis or “something the doctors say when they have no idea,” but one thing I do know is that the pain and fatigue are real. I hurt. A lot. However, I have learned a few things over the past few years that have helped ME. I emphasize ME because it might not help someone else, but I thought I would share anyway. This is MY lessons of fibroMYalgia, but I hope that it can help someone too.

Let’s start with the biggest lesson that I’ve learned.

Lesson #1: It’s ok to say “no.” For many years, I have pushed myself to the limits of doing anything and everything. I was balancing work, graduate school, youth group, other clubs, and a social life. I would stay at church activities until 11pm every Friday, go on trips, and volunteer all over the place. I felt great and I was extremely happy. However, it started to take a toll on me- I was getting tired. Not just any tired, but an unhealthy tired.  And what seemed like suddenly (and after much prayer), I had a “peace” that it was ok to say “no.” I “retired” from youth group and I started to slow down a lot in my life. That’s not to say that I don’t miss those teens terribly, but I know that decision was for the best. Had I not slowed down, I can only begin to imagine what my life would be like. My pain would only be exacerbated and my exhaustion beyond limits. I’m sure there are a lot of people, including my friends, who don’t understand why I no longer go out, but saying “no” to a lot of things meant saying “yes” to what I needed.

The secondary, but more important, lesson that I learned in saying “no” is that a lot of my identity was wrapped up in what I did. Now that I’m not “doing” I’m “being” and that was been such a rewarding (but extremely difficult) experience. I gradually had to reshape my identity. Try it some time. Just be. Don’t do.

And that leads me to my next lesson…

Lesson #2: It’s ok to rest. And I rest a lot. Most of my weekends are spent napping or doing graduate work while lying in bed. I rarely go out and I’m becoming an expert at taking the “after work nap.” I need to rest after work or else I can’t make it until bedtime. I have learned so much about the importance of sleep hygiene over the past few years and I highly recommend you check it out too. Fibro fighter or not- we all need to rest.

And maybe we don’t rest, because our society tells us not to do it, but I’ve learned something else…

Lesson #3: It’s ok to not be ok. At the end of the day, I have to know that it’s ok that I’m in pain sometimes. What I mean is that I don’t need to be upset with myself for not being ok. All I can do is make me the “best ok” that I can be. At night I wrap myself up in a heated blanket to take away the pain. I drive with my heated seats on in my car even when it’s warm out. I do a mindfulness practice to refocus my nerves. I do a lot to help me feel ok every day. However, as much as my physical well-being is important, so it my mental health. I need to know that I don’t need to always be “great” or even “ok.”  And I go back to the first two lessons- it’s ok if I need to say “no” and if I need to rest. Accepting my new reality meant accepting that some things would have to change- and please don’t think that change is always a negative thing!  I spent about the first year after my diagnosis feeling guilty. Why? Because in my mind, I told myself that I was “better than this” and that “other people needed me.” In reality, I was letting pride get in the way and it wasn’t helping me be any more “ok” than I was.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to share this tonight, but I did. I felt like maybe someone (and it’s very likely that someone was me) needed to read it.

And aren’t these lessons applicable to all of us in a lot of situations? Say no. Rest. Be not ok.

Be you.

That’s what I have learned from my FibroMYalgia.

And as a side note, a verse that has truly helped is Psalm 46:10... 

When you don't feel like returning from Spring Break, remember..

Dear Educators,

I love reminiscing. Maybe that is why I love the app, Timehop so much. However, today the reminders I got when I opened the app on my iPhone this morning were much more sentimental than I expected. Included under “8 YEARS AGO” was this blog post:

My blog...

As I read through the post, I was astounded at the struggles the school was having. I’m not sure why I’m so surprised, especially since I lived through them. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost some touch of reality over the past eight years.

Here I am with mixed emotions going back from Spring Break- the quickest week of the school year. It’s so easy to enjoy the relaxation that is associated with having a break from the chaotic environment of the average American school. However, this post reminded me of something- why I even entered the field education in the first place.

A little over eight years ago, I was an American girl living in a low-income area of Cairo, Egypt volunteering at a school for Sudanese refugees. Much to the dismay of my parents (and probably many others), I decided to defer law school for a year after undergrad and moved across the world. And then it happened…

I fell in love…

with teaching.

Some might complain about the state of the American education system (and I’m not saying that there isn’t any reason to complain), but let me paint a small glimpse of where I found my passion (if the blog post didn’t already give you an idea). I was teaching multiple subjects in a crowded second grade classroom where kids ages 6-19 sat on crowded benches. I would write down math problems on a whiteboard that was leaning up against the wall while students used pencils sharpened down to the eraser to copy whatever I wrote. We barely spoke the same language, but somehow, we seemed to understand each other.  Oh and I can't forget about my adult students- I loved those guys. I encourage you to check out the rest of the blog if you want to see more.

However, my reason for writing isn’t to make this comparison about how hard other places have it and that we should be thankful for what we have. While I absolutely agree with that idea, I wanted to remind you of something.

This was my classroom then…. This is my classroom now.

My students complained about doing work then…They complain about doing work now.

My students argued with each other in the classroom… They argue with each other now.

My students made me laugh then… They make me laugh now.

I went home tired every single day… I go home exhausted now…

I started two new schools there… I’m working on two new programs now…

I had papers to grade and projects to do then… I have papers to write and projects to do now…

Nothing is really that different.

Yet, I complain more now. My mindset is focused on the exterior, not the interior. Why? I’m not sure I have an answer. But I can tell you this- when all you have is your students and everything else is stripped away, you are quickly reminded of why teaching is so important.

Today I was reminded of that- why teaching is so significant. You are changing lives.. Whether you are in a beautiful classroom in suburbia or a cramped classroom in dusty Cairo- you are changing lives. We are changing lives.

And it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I pray that I never forget my humble beginnings in Cairo- not because it taught be to be thankful, but it taught me to be a teacher. Not because it prepared me to be a principal, but because it prepared me to be a passionate person.

As I head back from Spring Break, I am going to be reminded of this post. And maybe my post won’t be what you need to remember why you became an educator, but find something that does. 

And cherish it as you cherish your students.

Sincerely,

Me.