FibroMYalgia

For the past three years or so (and probably unofficially much longer than that), I have been dealing with fibromyalgia. I know that some say that this is a “fake” diagnosis or “something the doctors say when they have no idea,” but one thing I do know is that the pain and fatigue are real. I hurt. A lot. However, I have learned a few things over the past few years that have helped ME. I emphasize ME because it might not help someone else, but I thought I would share anyway. This is MY lessons of fibroMYalgia, but I hope that it can help someone too.

Let’s start with the biggest lesson that I’ve learned.

Lesson #1: It’s ok to say “no.” For many years, I have pushed myself to the limits of doing anything and everything. I was balancing work, graduate school, youth group, other clubs, and a social life. I would stay at church activities until 11pm every Friday, go on trips, and volunteer all over the place. I felt great and I was extremely happy. However, it started to take a toll on me- I was getting tired. Not just any tired, but an unhealthy tired.  And what seemed like suddenly (and after much prayer), I had a “peace” that it was ok to say “no.” I “retired” from youth group and I started to slow down a lot in my life. That’s not to say that I don’t miss those teens terribly, but I know that decision was for the best. Had I not slowed down, I can only begin to imagine what my life would be like. My pain would only be exacerbated and my exhaustion beyond limits. I’m sure there are a lot of people, including my friends, who don’t understand why I no longer go out, but saying “no” to a lot of things meant saying “yes” to what I needed.

The secondary, but more important, lesson that I learned in saying “no” is that a lot of my identity was wrapped up in what I did. Now that I’m not “doing” I’m “being” and that was been such a rewarding (but extremely difficult) experience. I gradually had to reshape my identity. Try it some time. Just be. Don’t do.

And that leads me to my next lesson…

Lesson #2: It’s ok to rest. And I rest a lot. Most of my weekends are spent napping or doing graduate work while lying in bed. I rarely go out and I’m becoming an expert at taking the “after work nap.” I need to rest after work or else I can’t make it until bedtime. I have learned so much about the importance of sleep hygiene over the past few years and I highly recommend you check it out too. Fibro fighter or not- we all need to rest.

And maybe we don’t rest, because our society tells us not to do it, but I’ve learned something else…

Lesson #3: It’s ok to not be ok. At the end of the day, I have to know that it’s ok that I’m in pain sometimes. What I mean is that I don’t need to be upset with myself for not being ok. All I can do is make me the “best ok” that I can be. At night I wrap myself up in a heated blanket to take away the pain. I drive with my heated seats on in my car even when it’s warm out. I do a mindfulness practice to refocus my nerves. I do a lot to help me feel ok every day. However, as much as my physical well-being is important, so it my mental health. I need to know that I don’t need to always be “great” or even “ok.”  And I go back to the first two lessons- it’s ok if I need to say “no” and if I need to rest. Accepting my new reality meant accepting that some things would have to change- and please don’t think that change is always a negative thing!  I spent about the first year after my diagnosis feeling guilty. Why? Because in my mind, I told myself that I was “better than this” and that “other people needed me.” In reality, I was letting pride get in the way and it wasn’t helping me be any more “ok” than I was.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to share this tonight, but I did. I felt like maybe someone (and it’s very likely that someone was me) needed to read it.

And aren’t these lessons applicable to all of us in a lot of situations? Say no. Rest. Be not ok.

Be you.

That’s what I have learned from my FibroMYalgia.

And as a side note, a verse that has truly helped is Psalm 46:10... 

When you don't feel like returning from Spring Break, remember..

Dear Educators,

I love reminiscing. Maybe that is why I love the app, Timehop so much. However, today the reminders I got when I opened the app on my iPhone this morning were much more sentimental than I expected. Included under “8 YEARS AGO” was this blog post:

My blog...

As I read through the post, I was astounded at the struggles the school was having. I’m not sure why I’m so surprised, especially since I lived through them. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost some touch of reality over the past eight years.

Here I am with mixed emotions going back from Spring Break- the quickest week of the school year. It’s so easy to enjoy the relaxation that is associated with having a break from the chaotic environment of the average American school. However, this post reminded me of something- why I even entered the field education in the first place.

A little over eight years ago, I was an American girl living in a low-income area of Cairo, Egypt volunteering at a school for Sudanese refugees. Much to the dismay of my parents (and probably many others), I decided to defer law school for a year after undergrad and moved across the world. And then it happened…

I fell in love…

with teaching.

Some might complain about the state of the American education system (and I’m not saying that there isn’t any reason to complain), but let me paint a small glimpse of where I found my passion (if the blog post didn’t already give you an idea). I was teaching multiple subjects in a crowded second grade classroom where kids ages 6-19 sat on crowded benches. I would write down math problems on a whiteboard that was leaning up against the wall while students used pencils sharpened down to the eraser to copy whatever I wrote. We barely spoke the same language, but somehow, we seemed to understand each other.  Oh and I can't forget about my adult students- I loved those guys. I encourage you to check out the rest of the blog if you want to see more.

However, my reason for writing isn’t to make this comparison about how hard other places have it and that we should be thankful for what we have. While I absolutely agree with that idea, I wanted to remind you of something.

This was my classroom then…. This is my classroom now.

My students complained about doing work then…They complain about doing work now.

My students argued with each other in the classroom… They argue with each other now.

My students made me laugh then… They make me laugh now.

I went home tired every single day… I go home exhausted now…

I started two new schools there… I’m working on two new programs now…

I had papers to grade and projects to do then… I have papers to write and projects to do now…

Nothing is really that different.

Yet, I complain more now. My mindset is focused on the exterior, not the interior. Why? I’m not sure I have an answer. But I can tell you this- when all you have is your students and everything else is stripped away, you are quickly reminded of why teaching is so important.

Today I was reminded of that- why teaching is so significant. You are changing lives.. Whether you are in a beautiful classroom in suburbia or a cramped classroom in dusty Cairo- you are changing lives. We are changing lives.

And it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I pray that I never forget my humble beginnings in Cairo- not because it taught be to be thankful, but it taught me to be a teacher. Not because it prepared me to be a principal, but because it prepared me to be a passionate person.

As I head back from Spring Break, I am going to be reminded of this post. And maybe my post won’t be what you need to remember why you became an educator, but find something that does. 

And cherish it as you cherish your students.

Sincerely,

Me.

A few reminders for the world...

Dear World,

You are hurting. We are hurting. In the wake of tragic events, there is so much pain. Yet, the pain was there before all of this happened. Entrenched in our hearts, seeking for some peace. As I reflect on what is going on in Paris (and in Beirut, and in Baghdad, and in Japan, and in Mexico, and in Syria, and in Kenya, and in so many other places), I realize that we might need some “reminders.” I call them reminders because they are simply that- things that we know and have heard before, but might need to hear again. I write to you not as someone who has it all together, but as someone who needs these reminders herself, and as someone who hopes that maybe these reminders will make even a fraction of a difference somewhere.

I also want to say that each of these “reminders” begins with the word, “find,” for a reason.  In a world inundated with self-help books and reality shows, we are all trying to find something, or someone, to fix things. This is a part of human nature. Seeking, and in essence, curiosity, are what lead to the great discoveries that we have. It is when we step outside of ourselves and seek to “find,” that true change can occur. So here are my reminders:

1. Find a new place. Travel and explore. By traveling to new places, we are able to establish a new connection with a location and the people there. A part of my heart belongs in Cairo, Egypt because I lived there. When I hear about Cairo on the news, there is a deep connection for me that would not exist had I not been in that city. The same is true for the state of Piaui in Brazil or the village of Dame Marie in Haiti. These locations had no meaning to me before I traveled there, but now they are embedded in my memory and my emotions. When I see them on the news, I am connected. When I hear a negative stereotype about people from that area, I can now say (and have a desire to say) that it is not true.  When I meet someone from that area, I feel a sense as if I already know them, and I am open to conversation. Traveling breaks down barriers and it opens eyes. But we cannot all travel to different countries. So travel to another state, another city. Travel to your local library, your nearest museum, your neighbors house. When you travel, you are connecting. When you connect, you begin to care.

2. Find a new Facebook group. Yes, you read that correctly. Our world is flooded with social media and many of us access it every day. We scroll through our newsfeed and Instagram pictures subconsciously soaking in the information we see. Find a Facebook group that is going to educate you. “Like” CNN, FoxNews, BBC, AlJazeera, your local Patch- your choice, but find something.  My newsfeed could be filled with the latest updates on what people ate, the newest engaged couple, or a humorous eCard, but instead it is filled with news sites. This might sound boring, but don’t most of us scroll social media for one of two reasons? We are either bored or curious. Could you imagine the enlightening that might occur if we took that boredom and curiosity and learned a little bit about what is going on around us? We are going to scroll Facebook anyway, so why not make it useful?

3. Find a passion. Any passion, but preferably a positive one. After all, I have learned that passions transcend differences. People who are passionate about something are more likely to look past the differences in those who are also passionate about the same thing. Moreover, if we spent more time on our passions, we would spend less time causing problems. In the educational world, we often talk about how after school activities reduces the number of teens getting in trouble outside of school. What if everyone in the world had an extracurricular activity? Idleness leads to problems. Let’s stop being idle and start becoming passionate.

4. Find a person. Find a person, or hopefully a group of people, to love. I truly believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people.” If we chose to love just those around us, we could stop a lot of hurting and start a lot of healing. I’m not asking each person to go out and love the orphans and feed the homeless (those these are great things to do), I’m just reminding each of us to love those around us. If each person felt loved by one other person, it could start a chain reaction. Terrorism, homicide, genocide, hate- each of these is a response to hurting (manifested in anger, violence, etc). It amazes me how many of my students cannot name someone who loves them. I believe that just by loving them, I am making a difference. I wonder how many terrorists or gang members might not have sought acceptance in these groups if they felt accepted some where. Granted, this is a simplified view towards complicated sociological issues, but it is a simple reminding that reaching out and loving someone even in the smallest of ways can make the biggest difference. So go find someone and love them.

So, World, I am not so naïve to think that this is the solution to our problems, but I am optimistic that this is start. And it's ok to start small. Just start somewhere. As we post “Pray for Paris,” may we not forget to pray for others. As we pray for others, may we not forget the power we have to make a difference. Find a place. Find a Facebook group. Find a passion. Find a person.

Love,

A person who needed these reminders

A few side notes: 1. As I wrote this, I realized that I could have neatly packaged my reminders with “Find a (word that begins with a letter P),” and I could have left out the part about Facebook, but I do believe in the power of social media and did not want to neglect it.2. I typically write and support my opinions with Bible verses. I intentionally did not do this in the post, not because I’m ashamed, but because I realize that we still live in a world where people will discredit my writing or even not read my opinion once they read a verse. The same is true for other writings, not just Christian ones. And I also know that some people might have agreed with me up to this last note, and will not reject what I say because I am a Christian. I pray for the day when we can listen to others regardless of our difference.